I am so very tired.
I remember my first few weeks of MS. As 1st years, we were all giddy with excitement and enjoying all the cool welcoming programs that the university had to offer. We couldn’t imagine a better life. We were finally living The Dream.
But then, every now and then, we’d catch sight of a ghostly figure in the res passages. Tired. Very tired. And a senior would tap us on the shoulders and say, “Those are the 2nd years. Man, I really don’t miss it. That year was hell.”
And we’d shrug and move on, vowing under our breath to each other that we would never allow ourselves to get that far. That we were stronger.
I do believe I’m strong.
But I’m just so tired.
Resp has been great. I’ve really enjoyed every second of it, even the lame Histology pracs. I’ve been endlessly fascinated by my nameless cadaver–I call him Fred in my head, but my group is anti-cadaver-naming. I am totally in love with physiology. I could do without all that anatomy, but it’s interesting when we’re in the Bone Room and stuff starts to make sense. All in all, I’m happy I chose this path. I can’t picture myself studying anything else.
But it’s just this test on Monday that’s getting to me. I don’t feel ready. I don’t feel like I’ve got the mental capacity to memorize so much–to not fail.
Oh my word, this is getting morbid. I know. But it’s very hard to have a positive outlook on the present when we keep getting the past and future thrown in our faces.
The past? A third of last year’s 2nd year class failed. Failed. Some of them are repeating the year with us. Others have been excluded from the program permanently. Including one of the hardest-working, most kick-ass would-be-doctors that that class had to offer. What were they doing wrong? What went wrong?
It surely doesn’t help that every second day our lecturers are reminding us–in the presence of said repeaters, nogal–that 2010’s 2nd years underestimated the program and that we are no better than them, so we’d better start being afraid. Why??? It just doesn’t bode well. Our lecturers just seem to have lost faith in the next generation of doctors.
As if we aren’t scared witless already.
Then there’s the future. This year is going to be homicidal. Resp, Cardio, Gastro, Uro, Endo, Repro and Intro II aren’t exactly going to be walks in the park. And they’ve somehow gotten it into their heads–curse The Administration–to rob us of our midsemester breaks and give us eleven months of uninterrupted uni with only a two week break at month six.
I can’t stay here for six months and then only get two weeks of sleep after writing the end-of-semester exams. Are they completely insane?
It just all makes me very tired. I just don’t know.
Do I still want to be a doctor? Without a doubt. Did I ever think it would be easy? Not for a second.
My only qualm, my only concern, isn’t my desire or my drive.
I doubt my capability.
I just don’t know if I can anymore. If I ever really could.