We are down to one week before the Resp clinical paper. I am down to 80% of notes unread.
Unread, mind you. Not even unstudied.
To be honest with you, I feel strangely calm. It’s almost as if, between the beginning of 2nd year and the pre-clinical test, I experienced a profound paradigm shift. My perspective changed, my goals changed. I started becoming a wholistic being.
Or I just got lazy and lost all ambition to do really well.
Crazy, this university thing, isn’t it? I was at the Exams Office earlier today to have a look at my schedule when I discovered that there were marks up for a module that I did last year that will only be credited at the end of 2nd year. And all I could think was, “Huh. Wonder what I got.”
Not, “Oh my word! How did I forget to check these marks? What if I had failed this module and had to actually redo it in Phase II?”
Not even, “The marks! Please be a cum? I need a distinction!!!!”
This, of course, is a good thing. I stopped obsessing over marks a while ago. But, the fact that I didn’t even care?* In retrospect, that was actually a very scary thing.
I like to think of myself as ambitious. I’m not that person who pretends passing is the only benchmark and anything else is a bonus. Medschool is expensive. I’m just barely holding on as is. My bursary requires that I pass, but my mother’s budget pleads that I do well so that I can secure another bursary and she can lower her blood-pressure–every time I need a new book, I can actually sense her stress levels rising. I don’t want to be average. I certainly don’t want to be below average.
But you’re made to feel very small when you admit something like ambition. It’s like a curse word. Distinctions are for nerds.
And that mentality used to bug me.
Well, it’s very relaxing not to worry about how well I want to pass and just focus on passing. But it just doesn’t give me that same drive–and surely won’t give me the same sense of accomplishment.
I don’t know. I’m just yakking now, I need to go to sleep.
One more week before we write this clinical thing. Two more weeks before we finish this module–before we know everything we’re expected to know for our final year exam.